I Want....

We've all been here. You know you want something but you don't know what it is. For me, this feeling usually accompanies a trip to the refrigerator. I stand there staring at the contents and eventually all the tubs and cartons sort of meld together like one of those optical illusion prints where all of a sudden a 3D Snoopy pops out after staring at it for 10 minutes. Unfortunately, no appetizing snack pops out of the fridge either. Growing up, my Mom would see me standing at the fridge and start making suggestions. "There's some left over spaghetti in there. Or, you could make a sandwich." Invariably, the moment she would suggest something, it would immediately seem repulsive. I can remember in my angst ridden teen age years yelling at her many times to "stop!"

My current insatiable need isn't one of a gastronomic nature, though. In fact, I just had a lovely breakfast of toasted rosemary olive oil bread and eggs over medium. My belly is full.

No, it's not my tummy that is longing. It's something else. I fell like the world is a giant refrigerator and I just keep staring at it waiting to see something that is going to fill me up. I sit and stare at blogs all day long where people are making beautiful things or doing wonderful things or thinking insightful thoughts and I wonder how I can be one of those people that is putting those things out there. No, I don't mean that I want to write a better blog. I don't want to write about what I am doing. I just want to BE doing something fulfilling.

At this very moment I am supposed to be writing a proposal to give to my former and potentially future boss to sell him on the idea of keeping me on staff without having to travel. It seems like the perfect solution. I would be able to work a 9 - 6 job, help needy people, get paid a decent wage, and not have to leave town all the time. I just can't do it. It's like the spaghetti or the sandwich. I just don't want them no matter how good they might actually be. I want chocolate mousse or prime rib or even a Big Mac, but we don't have any of that in the fridge.

I know that there are things I do or want to do that make me happy. I have a mental list of things I want to make. I have all sorts of ideas all involving making things. Spray painting things or sewing things or gluing things. But here I sit on the couch not doing them.

This post is going nowhere because just as I sit here typing I've already grown bored with typing. And that is the problem. I have these ideas of things I want to do and mid-way through I just get bored with it. My guess is there is some term for this behavior and potentially some sort of medical treatment for it. Too bad I am too bored to bother calling the doctor about it.